Picked D up from gym and served up tea. The meal went with none of the usual disruptions. D started again when I was washing up.
"The kids are trying with you, why won't you accept them?"
"I have accepted them, its them who don't accept me". Then I mentioned the postcard. And the argument proceeded about that, and that M didn't write it like that on purpose. Its now 10pm, we've just watched Clone Wars on DVD - could have been quieter, but otherwise fine. D is no asleep and the kids are upstairs.
I'm waiting to see how long it takes for their holiday clothes to be unpacked. From Friday 2pm - no sign yet.
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Charlotte
- 2005-05-15 @ 16:44:46
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I bothered to make some notes on a constructive way forward:
With CALMNESS, niceness and pen in hand (and because you love her - warts and all)
1) You need to agree together on what your authority limits are and maybe in stages, over time:
E.g. first 2 months, you do x, next 2 months you can do y... etc until you reach as much authority as her or whatever ultimate boundary she's prepared to set. - i.e. what she is happy for you to do and not do in those stages. That way the kids ease in to taking you seriously & accepting you.
2) She needs to be clear with the kids that you are part of the family and to back you up when you are disciplining the kids. You guys are the adults - the relationship with the kids should be what YOU guys want it to be.(Think about what you do want it to be) YOU as a couple dictate the relationship with the kids - not the other way around.
3) Sit down with pen and guage how she wants to raise her kids and so you both will raise the kids. And agree it. Smacking? Taking away luxuries? Send em upstairs? When they don't take your discipling seriously? (i suggest she needs to exert her own authority in this last case and tell them off (in her way, be that a calm voice, telling them why she is not happy with them or however) for cheeking you). Perhaps she could praise them for being nice to you/ them for listening to you when you discipline them?
CALM = CONTROL
HER SUPPORT = BOTH YOU BEING HAPPY
I'd write down the suggestions in a list & maybe she'll be impressed that you are taking it all seriously and care.
PS - Do not read my blog as a testament to 'how are YOU qualified to give any sort of suggestions'. Cos that's all they are - the above - suggestions.
Good luck - I hate it when logistical things get in the way of a loving, innocent relationship. It's happened to me. JUST DO IT!!! (And it IS logistical - and you must belive you CAN do it!) Huh. I can talk!!
PS - don't forget:
4) Do fun stuff together with the kids (e.g. there's a Brighton festival on?!! Til 29th May - It's a v cool place too)
Kids can be pretty cool too & are far too sharp for their own good!